I got skooled

Well. Having been properly chastised by those I love best...my facebook friends =P ...I can safely say I feel better. That and a good run with my new purple running shoes always makes things better! (Amen? Anyone?)
Honestly, no one has given me a hard time about putting Amanda in school. Everyone has been supportive. My anger is directed at myself (as my wise Sexy Man pointed out). I don't know why I'm angry.
I seriously thought about deleting that post right after I posted it. I have a 'thing' about icky negative feelings ya know?
But...as my wise Sexy Man pointed out again, if I can be real and nasty with my ugly emotions here, where can I be?
So. Thanks for the love. =)

Change is good...I guess.

Well. I'm officially a failure as a mother. At least I *feel* like it.
We're enrolling Amanda into school. No -- I do NOT think that putting your children in school makes you a bad parent. I'm being really honest and open here. Let's not give Sandy any crap k? Thanks.
We've been thinking/praying/debating this for a month or so. We finally decided to go for it, and were going to wait till fall...but what's the point? Like that's going to magically make it easier for me? Not so much.
What makes me (feel like) a failure? Actually, it has little to do with homeschooling.
I've been seeing resentment in Amanda. Anger. Frustration. Sadly, mostly directed at Stephanie.
Stephanie is a lot to handle. I'm her MOM and sometimes I can't take it ya know?
Frankly, I think Amanda needs to get out. Sure. There are lots of moms/christians/anyone who would say that the answer is more training, more time together, more talking blah blah blah...however, you people are not in my shoes so...hmm...shut up.
I do realize that some of this stems from my own failings as a mother. But, unless you have been where I am, you can't realize that most of the time, I have no freaking clue how to deal with Stephanie...so how can I teach Amanda how??
You have no idea how agonizing this is for me. Amanda is exactly like I was as a child. Innocent, sensitive, emotional. I remember things from school I wish I didn't remember...I don't want that for her. At the same time, I don't want her resentment and frustration to breed to the point where she hates her sister. Or her family.
I have some hopes for this time:
1. That the time away will help her appreciate Steph (and the rest of us) more.
2. She'll make some friends
3. She'll see that public school isn't all fun time =P

If she is unhappy/not thriving I'll bring her back home in a minute. (But she WILL try this for the remainder of the school year)
Yeah. I have issues with things that public school teaches.
Yeah, I have issues with things that are tolerated.

But. God has given us permission for this. He has moved us into this for a season at least.

I don't want to be rude. But if you don't approve, I don't care. Support me. Encourage me. Don't give me crap. I can handle that on my own.

so much stuff I can't even give this post a title...

Yeah. My head is FULL...of more than just air. I know that's shocking.
It's only February and God is really working me over this year!
Our awesome pastor talked about 10 minutes a day of reading in his sermon this last week. (which you can watch on video if ya want. You can also follow on twitter, subscribe on itunes, and view it on the website. My church is run by geeks. But geeks rule so it's all good...and my pastor is a star trek fan. Making him EXTRA cool. But I digest.)
What? Get to the point?
Sorry.
10 minutes! We decided we're ''in for 10'' as he called it, and urged us to seek some accountability. And I said to my self, "Self, what better way than to post your successes and failures on your blog for the whole flippin' planet to see?" and then I thought, "Self, you're an idiot" to which I replied, "Then so are you. Duh"..but again, I digest.
I've decided to share the passages I read every day here. I'll share the passages, and what I glean from them. This is of course, assuming I actually read them. If not, I'll come here and pretend I posted no such thing and that I have no idea what you people are asking about.
Good plan I think.

one word

I was listening to KLOVE the other day, and the morning show hosts were talking about one word.
This one word website talks about taking all of your resolutions and condensing it into one word.
From the website:

Our resolutions seldom work because they focus on the type of person we want to become rather than who God wants us to be. Many people do not see God at work in their lives simply because they don’t know what to look for. So, what if our hopes for the year centered on who God wanted us to become instead?

So. One word to sum up who/where/what we should be at the end of this year.

Hmm. I'm still pondering that.
There are lots of things I want to accomplish this year. Lose weight, be better organized, read the bible every day..blah blah blah. But those are all superficial accomplishments. What about ME.
What does God want of me this year?
I dunno. I know I need to be a better wife, a better mother, better homeschooler...but 'better' doesn't seem to be the right word either. Again, that makes it about me.
So. After much thought, I've decided my word is LESS.
I want to be less.
Less selfish
Less needy
Less angry
Less fat ( =P )
Less negative

And yes, I could also have summed that up with 'more'. Because I DO want to be more. More kind, more gentle, more active...but I don't want to be MORE. I want to be LESS. LESS me and MORE God. Less of my flesh and more of God's grace.

I want people to see less of me and more of Christ.

Less.

What's your word?

Amy @ RaisingArrows is hosting a giveaway.
I like Amy lots! She's friendly, honest, kind, and funny. But that has nothing to do with the giveaway, I was just sayin' =P
Anyhoo..she's giving away a 25 credit to cover your hair! WOOT! Even if you don't ''cover'' , they've got wicked cool stuff, scarves, tichels, headbands, hats, you name it!
head on over. But don't enter. I want to win. Just look.

2010...the year of ?

I dunno what this year has for us. It's only February and it's shaping up to be a crazy year! Of course, crazy is our nature: we have 5 small children and we're military. Every day is crazy. It's just a matter of the source of craziness. But I digest.
Some of my bloggy readers know that Justin had surgery on his back in Dec. It was to help a bulging disk that was pressing against his spinal cord. (OUCH anyone?). While the disk is better, his back pain is not. Add to that, degenerative disk disease runs in his family...and the sum is most likely a discharge from the Army.
That's an odd feeling...Justin has been in the military for 9 years. Our entire adult lives! The military has taken good care of us....we've never had to worry about Justin losing his job, or taking a pay cut, or losing our insurance.
For the first time, we're facing uncertainty..should we get out? Should Justin suck it up and stay in? That's not really an option though, as that would most like leave him disabled at a young age...uh, no thanks! What if he gets out? Can he find work enough here to support us? There's not much here in the way of pastoring. God forgive my selfishness....I don't wanna move anymore. I'm so tired of it. I want to stay here, in my house, in this town with the friends we've grown to love, in the church we love.
But...God is nothing if not firm in His will. I've wanted that sort of thing before, and His answer was a gentle 'no'.
In the end, I'm ready for Justin to get out, if that's God's will. ...But I'm still human and I wonder just how it'll work.

In which I get wierder...

I have a nice little breadmaker...it's several years old, but works wonderfully. A few months ago, I got a hankerin' for a fancy schmancy one. More buttons and such.
So, in consulting with Sexy Man...we decided I could get a new breadmaker, and send my 'ol faithful to my little brother, who is a fabulous cook!
Except...I'm not sure I want a new one. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally going to send mine to my brother still. But I think I might just forgo getting a new one for now.
Sure, it'll make breadmaking more work.
But, it might be more fun! And the kids love to help me make bread....so it'll be more interesting for sure!
hmm. I think I'm crazy.

Calling my bloggy pals!

Okay. So we all know my Man is fabulous. But he's also brilliant and wonderfully articulate!
He started a blog while deployed, and it's gone by the wayside some since he's been home. (a year now! WOOT)
He revamped the blog and has a post up about...*gasp* abortion. He (and I) would really appreciate it if you would drop by, read, and give your opinion.
Justin's blog

Thanks bloggy pals!

Another reason to love cloth dipes!

Cool contest I found to win free groceries for a year

"Click! Enter! Maybe win! ...even if you don't enter, clicking might help ME win...=)"

Hey, I just entered this contest on Cozi.com to win free groceries for a year. All you have to do is put in your email address.

Even if you don’t enter, please click the link to help me win. (I get an extra entry for telling you.) Thanks!

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